The grey and red rock formations greeted me. Back again. Revisiting space and memories like parallel dimensions. Déjà vu fractale. The last time I set foot on this trail was a little over 3 three years ago, which now feels like several lifetimes back. Having my foot touch the paved trail felt like diving into a rush of traffic as I immediately noticed all of the people out and about. It was a beautiful, sunny post-winter day also known as the “spring of deception” for many Coloradans. I stepped onto the busy trail, attempted to come to terms with the heavy foot traffic and welcomed the disorientation as I began my hike.

My perfectionist self-in-recovery immediately showed up to tell me that this was not the ideal hike. I felt annoyed at how many people there were on the trail yet tried to find the bright side by acknowledging how diverse the crowds of people were. This reframe didn’t last long as I immediately noticed the artificiality and materialistic personas of the people taking selfies on their phones while talking about topics that I righteously deemed superficial. The smug nature enthusiast and proud Coloradan in me made an appearance and was not happy.

As I continued walking, I found relief in the short periods where I happened to lose sight of the large groups of people, where I attempted to hear the silence of the hills. As my mind settled, I reflected on my feelings of impatience. Beneath the surface was a deep appreciation of nature. Not the artificial nature of paved walkways and cul-de-sacs, but that nature which is intimidating, a nature whose sublimity could swallow one whole if it wanted to.

Underneath the initial irritation was a person who deeply admired getting lost in landscapes, a person who enjoyed feeling out of breath from a deep, dangerous, rocky incline far removed from civilization. It might sound rather sadist to some, but a part of me was yearning for the challenge, fear, and exhaustion of being in ‘real’ nature emptied of other human activity.

I noticed that the annoyance and frustration veiled a deep appreciation and gratitude for both the beauty of natural landscapes as well as the healing cycles that can happen in untamed landscapes. I ended the walk feeling grateful for having access to many beautiful landscapes and rejoiced in knowing that hiking season was around the corner in Colorado.